Time for another OAR prompt: Someone else in the adoption constellation- what do you want to say to them on Fathers Day? Open Adoption Bloggers
Today it's for Fathers Day.
Well, I want to write to my dad. He's not a part of the 'open adoption' community per se, but he's mine.
Dad,
You were not there when I was a child- mom didn't know you then, so that doesn't surprise me.
You were there when I was a preteen- and lacked all common sense.
You were there when I was a teenager- in other words a total shithead.
You were there the day I left for University.
You were there when I called from school whining because I was cold.
You were there the day I called home and said I wasn't going back to University.
And all of that surprised me then. It doesn't surprise me any more. I have learned to expect that you will be there.
You were there the day I told you I was moving to Winnipeg. You sat and listened while I cried and explained that I needed to go spend time with my biological father- needed to understand him. You didn't say anything. You didn't say I couldn't (or shouldn't) go. You didn't chastise me for being 'stupid' or leaving school a month before the school year ended.
You were there the day I called home and said I'd met 'the one'. The day I brought him and my son home.
You were there the day I got married.
You were there the night I called home to tell you and mom about my pregnancy with Brat, and then again with Monster.
You were there through it all.
You are the kind of father I needed. The kind of father I married in D. The kind of father I hope I am raising my son to be.
I love you very much, and all the times I was a shit as a teenager and pulled the "You're not my REAL dad- you can't tell me what to do!" bullshit still haunt me. But you don't want my apologies for those times- you say, "I wasn't a perfect father either sweetheart." But you were. Because you were there.
You love me, with all my faults, through all those trials you loved me anyways. And you were there. Thank you for always being there.
I was 'browsing' the web the other day, trying to find parents who seem to think like me.
Trying to find someone to validate what I feel is my own common (or uncommon as it seems) sense approach to being a mother.
I typed any number of things into Googles' search. Parenting, NON helicopter mom, natural consequence parenting. Seriously, but each site I got too was a bit too much in SOME way. One mom didn't ever use sunscreen. One mom didn't let her children walk to school unless there was at least 3 kids in the group. There were more, but I had no desire to read them.
Then I found this blog by a "Free Range" mom. Fantastic, YOU are who I've been looking for.
I read a couple of her older blog posts and quite enjoyed them.
Eventually, I ended up on YouTube and found a video documentary which backs up something I read a couple years ago about children and risky play.
Basically, the study said this:
When the adults of today were children, we took risks on the playground- we learned about natural consequences.
We used see saws (knowing full well that the person on the other side was going to jump off and make us thump our arses); we climbed ridiculously high, and sometimes we fell. We used swings to launch ourselves as high as possible into the stratosphere before plummeting downwards and trying to land.
Then, as we became adults, someone else remembered how many risks we took as children, and they made the playgrounds "safe". Swings that don't go so high; no more teeter totters; solid plastic instead of wood. Safe.
The consequence of that change is readily apparent in the young adults of today. The 15-23 year old age group, who grew up in the safety playgrounds. Well, they've admitted that they take about 7 times the risks we did when we were young.
And there is a reason for this. It's called "learning".
Children learn early, through taking calculated risks, to judge a situation by, and for, themselves ("These monkey bars are awfully high, and last time I jumped, I twisted my ankles- so I think I'll climb down a bit first"). They learn in small steps, incrementally, to apply natural consequences for themselves.
By making the playgrounds so safe, we've taken the chance to learn away from our children. In response, in order to mature, they must still learn about risk and how to manage risk. But by the time they have broken free of their overprotective parents (helicopter moms), the only risks left to take are life threatening ones. Drinking and driving. Having contact with strangers in the guise of 'trusted' drug dealers. Getting drunk and leaving a party with a stranger. They are testing the limits- learning (as they should have done as children). But they are using REAL life threatening situations to learn to judge risk.
Which they could have learned to do if their mothers had let them fall, even just once, off the monkey bars.
I can't find the exact paper I read, I will continue to try to find it. In the meanwhile, I am posting a video documentary from one of the authors of the paper. It's only 10 minutes long, but it's worth watching. Especially if you can't stop yourself from running to help every time your child starts to climb.
When I find the paper on the outcome of the safe playground, I will edit this to reflect that.
My favourite lines in this video are: "As safe as necessary- NOT as safe as is possible" and "Life is not risk free".
Striking a balance between preventing injury and accepting that accidents happen. Accidents cannot be prevented without bubble wrapping our children- and that takes something from them that I don't want to see my kids lose.
Just the other day, my cousins' 5 year old fell off a swing. She was hurt badly. She's been in the hospital since. And I've been worried- and praying that she's up and about soon. But that was a freak accident and completely unpreventable- my kids are still going to be swinging as high as they can.
