Lavalife-r

So, last post, I gave a sample of some of the words I made.

Another is "LavaLife-r". Now, for those of you who don't have chronic insomnia, 'LavaLife' is one of those telephone lines that claims, "Call and talk to the SEXIEST women and men for free!!!!"

Now, again I tell you-I'm not like you. But I will tell you a story, and you decide if that's true.

About four years ago, when my husband was on nights, and I was unable to sleep, I decided to call "LavaLife", make up a stupid bimbo name for myself and talk to people.

I realize this sounds odd, but trust me, I thought it was fun. Being a 19 year old named "Cindy", I had JUST "posted" my name and some random sentences about liking chocolate, swimming and such, when I got my first "inbox" message.

Now, I had a hard time figuring out how to listen to that message, but in the end, I did it. I almost peed my pants when I did. Here's a NON-verbatim summary.

"Hey there Candy. I'm hot, horny and waiting for you. I know you want to tug it for me. Hit me back baby."

Then another one. Same general idea. This went on for quite some time. At first, I didn't answer anyone, because quite frankly, that's NOT my idea of awesomeness.

But I thought some were hilarious messages, filled to brimming with douche-iness. So I laughed, and listened.

Until I heard my first official "LavaLife-r". Now, the message was pretty unoriginal- lick yada yada hump yada yada- etc. He was whispering. Which immediately told me he's in the next room while his girlfriend is sleeping.

So I answered him. Called him out for whispering, told him cheating on his girlfriend was low. In subsequent messages back and forth, he insisted he was whispering because he thought it sounded sexy.

Okay buddy. Then he messaged to ask if I wanted to meet him.

I didn't, my kids were sleeping, and obviously can't be left at home alone. But I didn't tell him that.

Instead, I told him I'd need at least 45 minutes to get to the assigned meeting place, and could he wear all black, so I'd know it was him?

Yeah, I sent him on a wild goose chase. So what? He was trying to cheat on his girlfriend.

Then, I trolled LavaLife looking for the next doucher. Some of them were just lonely- I didn't mess with them. I only answered messages that specifically stated that they were looking for a quick bang. I also sent each of these douchebags to the same location as Lavalife-r "A".

At the same approximate time. All wearing black. That IS my idea of awesomeness.

All I know is that the people working in that Tim Horton's must have been SUPER freaked out.

So, that's a LavaLife-r. Someone who is a total dickface, and cruises dating sites, telephone meeting lines, etc, with the exclusive purpose of using/ banging someone.

I have other words to share, but no inclination to continue writing right now. OUT!