I miss my family.

My family is so far away. Not my kids, not my husband. The rest of my family.

And tonight, I feel the distance keenly. I was thinking about my baby cousin- I am so proud of her- she's overseas studying (to be a bigger pain in the ass than she already is). And while I'm sure she misses us too (probably not very much though), it can't be as much as her mother and father miss her.

And that got me thinking, wondering if my mom misses me tonight. If my gramma misses her own children, and grandchildren, who live farther afield.

I miss my cousins (all bajillion of them), I miss my aunts and uncles (all bajillion of them). I miss my grandparents (all bajillion). I miss the people I grew up with, friends of the family, who were always close at hand.

My gramma's home was always a 'waystation' of sorts. Right in the middle, visitors welcomed gladly. We all have keys to her house (I've got mine out right now- just looking at them).

And I miss having that special place to go to. A place where your family is right there, or will be soon.

I also miss climbing the cherry tree in another gramma's yard (it's gone now), and swimming in the pool. I miss digging through all the toys she has kept for 50 odd years, playing with old barbie clothes. I miss sitting on the couch, and I miss playing card with my aunt and uncles.

I miss them so much that my insides hurt. And I'm so lucky that I get to Skype my family, and communicate on facebook. That makes it easier to know I may not see them again for a few more years.

So I guess I answered my own musings. I know my momma misses me. Because I miss her. I miss my whole damn family.

A's Hero.

One of my friends is having her 31st birthday party tomorrow morning.

We're going out for dim sum, which I alternate between enjoying and hating (I don't like squishy food in general; but, sometimes, it's just so good). I've got a some cupcakes in the oven for her, as she deserves to have cake for being such an awesome person, incredible mother and over all hard worker.

I say this, not because she's my friend (which she is) but because it's true. She is a single mother, on a limited income, going to back to school. She's a star. She makes being a single mom look easy and fun (which is not the case- you get all the 'glory' of being a parent; alternately, you also have years and years of work, struggles and resentments). I think it's absolutely incredible what a single mother does.

I get complimented sometimes on being a rock solid mom; but, she's a superstar.

I can, and have, made homemade baby food; but mostly I just buy it, convenience is key in my world. She ALWAYS made it. She plans meals in advance (I usually wait until the last minute, and fall back on a staple). She cooks, she cleans, AND she plays with her baby girl.

Her daughter is a lovely little disaster. She's just what a happy, healthy child should be. She's secure in her world, loving, funny and energetic (she's also capable of taking out a fully tidied room in under ten seconds- like every other 20 month old baby).

A is all these things because she has a mother who works her tail off (literally, she hits the gym twice a week).

My friend has no support system but her friends (and we'd each do just about anything for her); her own family is too far away/ emotionally inaccessible. The birth father is unstable, and his family is not in a position to be of help to them.

I couldn't do what she does. I couldn't get up every single day, work as hard as she does, and have no one to take the burden sometimes. I applaud single moms.

I might be a rock solid momma, but I'm no superstar. H- YOU are a hero, A's hero and mine. And I love you.

Hardest Year of Marriage.

What's the hardest year of marriage? Year one? Two? Five? Seven? Ten? Fifteen?

If you answered, "Yup, that one!" to anything above, you're wrong. Not a little wrong. ALL the way wrong.

Every year is the hardest year of marriage. First year isn't actually that bad, once you get through it. Neither is two, three, four, five, six, seven, or eight. We're starting our tenth year in a few short months. Not married, but living together (we got married in 2004).

And every year is hard. Hard to the breaking point. We were VERY close a few times. The first was the year Bugs was 3. That was a hard one. For so many reasons. Being young, and not having good jobs was a big part of that.

Then the year Brat was born, that was another hard one. My husband was working full time shift work (plus overtime); a six year old needed attention and love; a baby needed full time care; I worked 24 hours a week from the time Brat was 2 months old. By the end of a week, I'd worked (in house and at a job) a full 80 hours. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, lunches, baby, nursing. On and on. It was hard, there is no way around that. It was hard because neither of us had anyone to lean on- because we didn't know how to lean on each other.

And there were times I stood back, thought to myself, "If we got divorced, he'd have to take the kids for at least 3 days a week, and I'd get a bit of time to myself." Not going to lie, it was tempting.

There were other times when I stood back, thought to myself, "If I'd killed him when I met him, I'd have been out by now." I got that line from my uncle, the RCMP officer. After he'd been married almost 25 years. True story.

I look around my house right now, and I wonder, why is this year a bit easier? I mean, I didn't start working right away after Monster, but I'm back at work now. My husband is still pulling 50- 60 hour work weeks. There are 3 kids underfoot who want attention and love. I still make meals, make lunch for my husband every day, and do the cleaning? How on God's green Earth could life be better for me now than it was 5 years ago?

I have someone to lean on. My husband is my best friend. We can sit, we can laugh, we can talk. We know now, leaning our backs against each other isn't weak, it's smart, and it's bracing each other up for the times when we need it most. My back isn't against a wall anymore, it's against him.

And now, I have hope (that's BIG Hope, not measly little "hope"). I have been through the darkest part of the forest; but, I can see through those trees now.

In a few short months, Bugs will be legally old enough to babysit. It makes my whole heart sing.

Going out to do the groceries after 7 pm again. Going to the gym, even when my husband is working. Having dinner out with a friend on a Tuesday evening. Yeah, I'm going hog wild.

Added to the fact that my husband now does the laundry on his nights off (as he works nights, when he's not working, all the whiny midgets are in bed, so he typically gets to watch whatever he wants on tv for 10 hours straight and hang out on the couch alone); and Bugs does the dishes. My life has never seemed more joyous.

I'm sure Bugs might not like that he does dishes every night. I effin' hated it when I was his age. But, I honestly believe it's good for kids to work around the house. It shows them that part of being in a family is pitching in, and helping out where you can. Chores teach children how to be self sufficient and self reliant in the long run. Brat had to clean the bed room tonight, and Bugs did dishes. I got to watch my favourite Food Network show- which was all the relaxing I needed to get the bathroom cleaned, the living room tidied up and dinner for tomorrow planned and started. Take THAT Martha Stewart.

So, the hardest year of marriage is all of them. But, making it through the worst, well, it leaves you free to enjoy the best. And if you make it, you have someone who can enjoy that best with you, when you leave the kids at home to fend for themselves.